Updated: Apr 8
Can we just establish that this will be a judgment free zone? I won’t judge you and please don’t judge me. I’m going to keep it real. Do you know how many times I prayed for this Bama to be ‘smoted’? Struck down, led astray, put asunder? Not just him, either; I prayed for her to be ‘smoted’ too.
I prayed for my mother-in-law to just lose her voice if she wasn’t going to speak words in support of our family. I prayed that one for a full month it seems. When I saw that article my daughter wrote about me last summer and realized how long it had been floating out there, I had some interesting requests of God about that too. I prayed that his 'peeknockles' would fall off, not literally, but like that it wouldn’t work. I prayed that she would see my children's faces every time she did anything sexual with my damn husband. You get the point? God and I got real close in my prayer time.
Even as I prayed those prayers, I knew that they were prayers God would not grant. It's just that I know God loves me and I thought, iiiiffff, by any chance, He was still in the 'smotin’ business, that I needed to get my requests in early and often.
The more I would discover, the more I felt like God had let me down. First when I found out that Nyles left and was with her; let down. When I found out he had been cheating for at least a year before he left; let down. When I found out his mother knew he didn’t live at that beach house; let down. When an important file went missing from the house; let down. When I saw his bank records and realized he was in Aruba, Miami, and New York with Krisica and telling us to live like we had no money; let down.
It seemed like he was winning. He once told me, "All my mother wants is for us to be apart so she can have me to herself, taking her out and supporting her." I felt like she won. When he told me his friends (all two of them (I'm being petty right there)) believed his story of never wanting to be with me; let down. I could go on and on with the let down moments, they were plentiful.
But things changed today. This morning in my Rise and Tithe time, as usual, God was faithful. I was reading this scripture. It is Psalm 56:5.
All day long they twist my words; all their schemes are for my ruin. They conspire, they lurk, they watch my steps, hoping to take my life. Because of their wickedness do not let them escape; in your anger, God, bring the nations down.
When I read that this morning, God spoke to me about all my prayers for smiting them. He had done just as I asked. My husband, mother-in-law, daughter, and mother, twisted my words. They twisted my entire existence as a mother, wife, and daughter. Many days it was so heavy that it buried and distorted my own view of myself. I wished for my own death. I kept waiting, God bring them down. God bring them down ( I told you I’m going to be honest; don’t judge me). But it kept seeming like they were winning.
This scripture, however, gave me another perspective. I’ve been waiting for God to bring the nations down. If He brought them down, I would have still been right where I was. But God, in His INFINITE wisdom, had something else in mind. He brought me up.
I am no longer the person I was before. Though I miss my family, I am so much lighter - spiritually, emotionally, and literally lighter. If they were brought down, I would have been in the same place of sadness and still feeling empty because I would not have changed. But, by God bringing me up, releasing me from so many secrets I've been keeping in; releasing me from the dinner time dance of pleasing my husband; releasing me from the quiet conversations at night where my husband would support me against his mother and our daughter's behavior but in the light of day leave me hanging. That was hurtful and exhausting and I took the blame for it all. Not anymore. Today, I give no shits about it.
I sent this website to some friends before launching it in order to test the waters. I was really nervous to put it all out there and wanted to see how I would handle the responses. I contacted a friend from high school that I don’t talk to often, but I know she cares for me. Her response after I gave her a ten minute synopsis of what had happened and then showed her the site? “Nyles’ problem is that he always knew you were out of his league. Now you know it too.”
Go, Ree-Ree, go. I’ve been brought up.